Just Back Up!
Sometimes a girl just needs her space. We get so caught up in the everyday routine of being adults, that we forget to take time to do things for ourselves. Then before we know it, we’re having a mental breakdown, because we failed to tend to the things necessary to keep us afloat. Today was just one of those days for me. I wrote a letter of intentions to myself and promised that I would never have a huge meltdown like I did at the beginning of the year and, today I felt like it may just happen.
Being an adult seems to be getting harder. But, being the best version of myself is like the most difficult task I’ve ever had to take on. I’m literally my own worst critic. Here are just a few of the things I’ve endured lately. About two weeks ago I stepped on a scale for the first time in a long time. What it read threw me way off. 191 pounds. I couldn’t believe it. I kind of still can’t. I got really down on myself and started to shut things out. Yes, I am warrior 70% of the time, when I’m awake and around people. But when I get alone and in my corner, the real me and all my insecurities pop up. It hurt my feelings that I had gotten this big. I started to think back on all of the unhealthy habits I had picked up. Like, lack of physical activity, eating more fried foods than I should be, and not drinking my weight or more in water. Things I know better than doing, but still went against my own knowledge. I work a part time, sit down job and it gets ridiculously boring, so I snack. I snack to pass the time Al thought it’s only 4.5 hours, because I really don’t want to be there. It feels like 14.5. All of these things leading me to be 9 pounds short of 200, at 5’4. Completely and utterly unacceptable. But me having that self reflection came later. I found myself waking up irritated, I didn’t want to be awake or bother with anyone. I found myself losing motivation to write, fighting with my love more than I preferred to and my normal idealist personality had gone somewhere unbeknownst to me.
That’s when I knew that the happenings around had become too much. I needed a break from it all. Him included. I was starting to hate everything and everybody. I woke up crying, went back to sleep crying because I couldn’t figure out what in the world was my issue. It sucked and I had to think really hard on an outlet before I did and/or said the wrong thing and hurt someone’s feelings. I was so grateful to have an older girlfriend who understood the curve balls that life likes to throw at the most inopportune times. She allowed me to unwind at her place for a few days. I have to say that after that time away from the daily duties of my own life not only made me feel better, but they provided me that clarity I was so desperately searching for. I have come to realize that even as wonderful I seem to be on paper or “on screen”, I have an issue effectively communicating. When I don’t agree with something, instead of agreeing to disagree, I fight until my voice is heard. Among-st other things. So I went out on that limb that I visit very often and decided to take advantage of the benefits my job offers. One of them included in the Health and Wellness section , offered 10 free sessions of therapy.
Now I had my qualms about therapy. Before my adult years I thought only “crazy” people needed to tell someone their issues and allow the permission of someone else to tell them what’s wrong in their lives and how to fix it. W R O N G. It is actually quite the opposite. All people , especially people of color, need to sat down (as my mother would say) and talk to someone that could help us become the best us. I began my first session Wednesday, March 21, and it was liberating to say the least. She gave insight on things I hadn’t really thought about. Her sassy body language, curly red weave and blunt Aries attitude made it very easy to speak with her. I was nervous when I sat down, but by the end I had loosened up and got in my feelings. I knew what I was there to accomplish, so I relaxed. She allowed me to tell my story and the way things seemed to me, which was what I think I’ve needed all along. I am looking very forward to the next 9 Wednesdays. I said all that to say this. Space is absolutely essential in getting your thoughts out into the air so that you can deal with them accordingly. Also, I HIGHLY recommend seeking some mental health assistance. So many of us have things bottled up from when we were adolescents that we don’t even recognize how much they effect us in our everyday life. Do yourself a favor and find a comfy couch to lay on. More on this on my YouTube channel! Subscribe! Subscribe! Subscribe! https://youtu.be/3zS9BwAhocU
The Storie Will Be Televised