Get Up 10: The Rebirth
Heartbroken, 22 pounds heavier than I'd like to be, and listening to Jazmine Sullivan sing about forever not lasting too long these days. I find myself constantly repeating things that positively affirm me after the facts hit me that I survived an abusive relationship. I have to remind myself that I made a mistake, but that mistake does not determine who I am. It does not make me stupid, worthless or unable to move on and love again. The hardest thing about truths are accepting them. This was one of the hardest pills to swallow because I knew. But I ignored it. I knew he had issues because he told me. I romanticized his problems and it almost cost me everything.
I guess I believed that therapy or my unconditional love would get us through anything.
And it did, until he got mad again. Over anything. I’ve been back and forth about writing this for months. It happened in July, it’s October and I’ve mustered up the nerve to articulate the traumatizing experience of dealing with someone with a mental illness and domestic abuse. Everyday the choice to smile and keep my head high has been made. Some days are more difficult than others. I still cry about it occasionally. But after hearing about LaShonda Childs, the young lady who was killed by her ex boyfriend, I thank God that he removed me from a situation that could have very well went the same exact way hers did. God bless that baby, she was only 17. I couldn’t imagine being taken from my family before I seen 18.
July 10, 2018 I went to jail because of a salty ass ex boyfriend. He was upset that I had remembered my self worth- that I had finally reached the end of my rope with him and all of his dramatics. One thing about abusers, when they recognize that they have lost control of you and your moves, they become irrational. Their lack of rational thinking causes them to want to exude what they view as power sometimes by becoming physical. They want to strike fear in their victim. Let's get one thing straight because I’m sure a lot of you may not be aware.
A PERSON DOES NOT HAVE TO HIT YOU TO ABUSE YOU.
Insults, emotional manipulation, hacking into your social media accounts, making your living arrangement uncomfortable, threats to cause harm to you or themselves, all of these things are abuse. After coming out on the free side of the situation I felt obligated to share my experience. That morning he said something slick to me and I was tired of just letting things slide. I was tired of not saying anything to avoid confrontation. I was tired of allowing him to believe that I was afraid of him. After my telling him that he will not talk to me as if I’m beneath him or some sort of animal, his tone became very aggressive, and he stood to his feet coming toward me. Automatically, I'm in defensive mode because this isn’t the first time something of this nature has occurred and I made a promise to myself that he would never catch me off guard again.
I knew this would be the day that things got worse before they got any better and the first thing I did was contact my mother. I didn’t know what was going to happen after I defended myself, but I wanted to be sure that someone heard it. He was already irate, but I was prepared for whatever went down. But I had made it up in my mind that I wasn’t going out without a fight. Someone would go to the hospital and someone would go to jail.
The facts just remained. He attacked me and I reacted in the only way I knew to. During the fiasco he was yelling obscenities and insults and my mother heard it all-- informing me that sort of behavior doesn't change. She then instructed me to call the authorities informing them of what happened and when they were on their way to get my valuables and wait for them. This was over. He had a slice in his hand and I had bruises on me, after it was all said and done. The police took us both in custody because they couldn’t determine who the primary aggressor was. As if I would’ve called the police on myself. I can still hear him laughing in my face taunting me saying
“This is worth it. I'm going to stay right here and watch them take your dumb ass to jail”
Not knowing they were taking his dumb ass to jail right along with me. I laughed in utter disrespect at him hyperventilating and panicking while he was handcuffed. He was only fake tough. When the tough shit was really going on, he folded. The officer lied to my mother and said I would get a bond. I wound up spending the night in jail. A real jail. I had been fingerprinted and had my mugshot taken. They made me undress, and put on the ugliest orange suit. I had to remove my earrings and remove my ponytail holder. I was disgusted.
It was at that moment that I knew there was no going back. This could not be reconciled. We could never be friends after this. He was dead to me and I meant it.
But here we are about 3 months and multiple therapy sessions later and I still feel the same way. I don’t hate him, but I don’t respect him. I’m disappointed. In him of course, but more so in myself. The signs were always there. Pay attention to people with severe anger issues. Open your eyes and ears to coercive or controlling behavior. If someone seems to be really insecure, they normally are.
The thing that stood out the most to me was the lack of a relationship with family members. If a man has no relationship with his mother, be weary. He is incapable of loving you and treating you with respect. Because that sort of love starts at home. I currently have a case pending against me and I know God will carry me. But for a long time I was frightened about how my life would be after this. I’m not as broken or hurt as I was in the beginning, but this has been one helluva journey to toggle through. I was blessed to survive. But a lot of women do not. Please protect yourselves. If you are currently in an abusive relationship and want to get out PADV is a great company to reach out to and the advocates truly care. They offer shelter, home and job assistance, along with complimentary therapy sessions. Domestic violence is not to be taken lightly. Speaking about this has healed me in ways I hadn't imagined possible. But everyday, I'm better than before.
The Storie Will Be Televised