Survival Of The Fittest: A Lesson On Loving & Being Loved

In this day and age a lot of us are unfamiliar with authentic, unconditional, selfless and unrequited love. I like to think it is due to the lacking knowledge of what love actually is, because of its rarity in our lives and the lives of those who raised us. But, an emphasis on this generation especially. We meet someone we like, spend time and money, and then assert effort into building what our idea of a solid foundation is with them. Only to next to never accept ourselves or that person where we are in our journey of self discovery at this moment. Failing to realize that, that part is what leads to solidifying a foundation that can and will stand the test of time. That is scary and even more than fearful, it is constant. This is because we are not operating in love, but in survival. We (the emotionally immature) are broken, ignorant to emotional protocol and ridiculously guarded. So we behave in a manner that we believe protects us, rather than assist us in our growth. Which too can be harmful. We don't allow ourselves to commit to any emotion for fear that we will lose control over ourselves and whatever situation we find ourselves woven in.

I speak from personal experience when I say that I equate emotions with control. Is it healthy? Probably not. Which is why I'm in therapy every Wednesday talking all the shit out, because I know that I have some things that I really have not dealt with and I'm dangerously afraid to do it alone. There will be times in life as you progress where you come across situations that challenge you. You will feel your body get hot and flustered for a lot of reasons. Unfamiliarity and confusion being the top two. We have not been equipped with the coping mechanisms to stand firmly in our emotions and the way they make us feel , nor have we been taught how to not let our mistakes define us. That is until something drastic breaks us down and rock bottom teaches us how to search for the light at the end of the tunnel. Then the probability of being "okay" heightens.

I asked the question of survival as I observed my mother who at this point has been married and divorced twice all before 50. 3 children, 2 degrees , and lots of life lessons later, her and I can sit across the island from one another and converse as women in regards to our loving styles and the vast effects our childhood had on them. In the video below it illustrates the different kinds of child you probably were and it explains the kind of adult you likely are today.

Prolific information. After watching the video and recognizing just how heavily I resonated with just about every negative characteristic listed I began to question if I had ever been in love and furthermore, had I ever seen it. We’ve all been severely attached to people, but have we ever just been completely loved. Have we trusted them with our scars? Have we opened up our hearts about the things that keep us up at night or get us out of bed in the morning? Have we accepted that our loves are not infallible and sometimes they just don't get it right? Have we relinquished our savior complex and tried our best to love them in the way they need to be loved and not the way we THINK they do?

All of these are questions I can’t really answer for any of my experiences off hand and it’s kind of alarming. You see growing up we watched our mothers sacrifice everything that they were to be what a man felt like they should be and not receive any sort of reciprocity until it was too damn late.. We watched the men in our lives throw money around and not show any emotion , so we think that’s what men are supposed to do. Just be virile and unattached. If you see a man cry , you automatically assume he’s soft or he’s some sort of coward. When the reality is he’s human and laced with emotion just like we are . So how do we decipher between surviving and loving?

In a world that consistently down plays falling in love and really allowing a person to know who you are, we are almost force fed this player lifestyle. Men are praised by how many women they screw and women get high fives about how much money they can get from a man without having any sort of emotional attachment to him. Do we lack the mental capacity to love wholeheartedly or are we afraid of it's effects ? I love the City Girls as much as the bad b***h, but I’d be lying if I said I didn't want to be swept off my feet in a Daniel Caesar kind of way. And to be perfectly honest with you, I’m okay with the work that's required. But where they doing that at?