The Tea on Pregnant Intimacy
Allow me to start by saying that pregnancy in the black community gets a bad reputation no matter what age group or marital status you are in when you get pregnant, for whatever reason we very seldomly experience the fairytale pregnancy. It truly isn't all fatigue, gaining everlasting weight and endless fights because the baby daddy doesn't want to help. Oh and I know we’ve been taught marriage and then kids or whatever. But as the oldest of three and my mom has been married twice before the age of 50, I can tell you straight from experience that marriage guarantees NADA. If you decide to get married post -children, that's fine too, your life, your way. Just ensure that you and your partner are happy about the decision you all make for your lives and the lives of your family. I’ll be the first to say that it isn't the easiest feat and the consistent roller coaster of emotions can and will kick your ass. BUT, it is a beautiful experience especially once you and your partner have a common goal on what your plan of action is together. None of which are based on when we decided to exchange vows. There are a few key things that I feel we as women must be sure of when going into this life changing ordeal.
READY, SCHMEADY. There's no such thing as “ready”, regardless of where you are in life, it will never seem like the “right time” and the fear and anxiety are a part of the parental package. No amount of money,job position, savings account, or size of a home will get you in the mindset of this grand lifestyle change. Children are a class to be learned each and everyday, they are all different and nothing in the world can teach you how to love them the way they need, except for them.
BAD BITCH IS A LIFESTYLE. Self love and self confidence are one in the same. Pregnancy is going to take your body through a plethora of changes over the course of 40 (sometimes longer because babies are hardheaded from the beginning) weeks. The fact is you are responsible for your own happiness and the maintaining of your beauty throughout. Anything anyone else says or does to make you feel better is additional to what you're already doing for yourself. So if you're one to get your hair done often and get Miss Mamas waxed , keep that up. That’s for you. You will thank yourself for it when you exude sexiness to yourself before anyone can compliment you , but your baby will thank you as well when they are just as mild mannered once they grace the earth because you were always in high spirits. Remember, the baby feels every emotion you feel.
BE INTENTIONAL. Choosing the right partner isn't about perfection. There's no such thing. Finding a partner that is open to communication, understanding, actively listens and is prepared to provide are the determining factors that matter! If you guys understand what it is that you want to make this life into, it's so much easier to make that happen as opposed to what you think is supposed to go on. Talk with one another about what you want your lives to look and feel like and then work at it together. I had to point that out because we tend to grow up around our peers and see what they go through with their partners and it scares us because we don't think that the grass is greener on the other side. It absolutely is greener where you water it. Period.
Now, let's get down to the fun stuff that y'all actually came here to learn. My son is due November 15,2020 , so if you've done your calculations, I'm a little over 9 months. This is my first child, so I'm no expert by any means. However, since the beginning of my pregnancy I’ve had several women inquire about sex, intimacy and all it's aspects during pregnancy. I’d be lying if I said it wasn't intriguing to me, so I felt it was my duty to let y'all in on the dirty mommy secrets to keeping it sexy while creating.
Personally, you should feel like a superhero. The ability to walk around living your regular- degular- shmegular ole’ life taking care of your everyday dealings all while life is happening inside your body should make you feel quite unstoppable. To be quite honest, I feel so strong and beautiful knowing that my feeling good, gives my baby good feelings. My good feelings lead to good thoughts and we produce a happy child. At Least that's what me and my therapist have come up with. I’ve done my due diligence and asked around about what ladies have concerns about , so let's jump right in. When it comes to sex, a lot of the initial worry is about how to get in the mood, stay in the mood and belly friendly positions.
Side by Side , from Behind
Lie with your partner facing your back and entering from behind.
Penetration starts off shallow, but with a little manipulation , (possibly nipple play and oral) and pillows a deeper thrust can be achieved. Careful though, because all of the pressure on your pelvis can cause a really severe orgasm! Pro tip: Have your partner slide under you just a little bit so that it looks as if you're sitting in his lap. The stroke is much deeper and it gives him free access to hold your hips and pull your hair. Y’kno’ if you're into that kind of stuff.
2. “Missionary” Position
We all know this one as ole’ faithful. As you start to grow bigger and the baby begins to move around, you’ll want to utilize the cover to put underneath you to tilt your body and control your back. It’s a tad bit easier to let Daddy hit that spot, ladies! This one allows the romance to seep in, the eye contact, and endless kissing in process just makes the entire night better.
3. Doggy Style, from Behind
Leaning forward and spreading your legs to a wide comfort makes for a party for both of you! Encourage your partner to take hold onto some of that extra juiciness you’ve achieved while pregnant. Don't be afraid to throw it back.You’ll burn some good calories and the glow you get post coitus is unmatched. Trust me!
After a brief survey, I found that most couples try for a frequency of around 2-3 times a week to keep everybody satisfied. Be sure to communicate with your partner about how often a session is wanted and if you're really feeling bold, initiate a steamy sack rumble! A lot of women worry about this especially if this is your first child, but as long as your pregnancy is not an abnormal -high risk pregnancy feel free to go at it as much as your body will allow. Maintaining a healthy sex life is good exercise and to be perfectly honest it keeps everyone in the house happy LOL! Consistent sex gave me the energy to ride a 10 speed bike through downtown Atlanta for nearly 3 miles at 9 months! Work those muscles, you wont regret it.
As your baby continues to grow your body will become more sensitive to everything , including intercourse. A lot of pressure and increased blood flow can cause different bodily reactions. In the very common event that you begin to spot or bleed try not to panic! You’ll be advised to call your doctor in a haste, however if the bleeding isn't painful and consistent, don't worry! Just be sure to ask your doctor the next time you're seen. Be sure to practice your kegels to ensure that your pelvic floor remains strong.
Kegels provide more than that one benefit, they also assist in birth and labor prep. But my personal favorite benefit is how they tighten up your lady parts, making for a greater sexual encounter and quicker, more intense orgasm. What are kegels? The Google definition reads “denoting exercises performed by a woman to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles, involving repetitions of both sustained and rapid voluntary contractions of the muscles and used especially to treat urinary incontinence and improve sexual function.” Do these everyday! 5 sets for about 10-15 seconds each and thank me later.
One of the most taboo topics in relationships in general is sex. Which is sort of eerie,your sexual partner should be the last person you hold any information back from,but they seem to be the main person left out of the loop. We find ourselves ashamed and coy about our sexual desires instead of being honest and telling one another how often we crave them. Sexual trauma is not to be normalized and having a child with someone should grant them the ultimate trust. Try your best to be as vulnerable with your partner as possible, considering they are a part of your life for the remainder. It's a good time to start getting cozy with them and the different twists in your life. In the second trimester when all of the sickness and nausea subsides, the hormones kick in overtime for most pregnant women and when that happens the labido jumps into overdrive!
T. Martin, a young lady who recently became a mom spoke about the heavy increase in her sex life saying, “...I had sex everyday. All the sex reduces risk of tearing and keeps your bladder together. Some women completely lose control when they have the urge to pee!” So you see ladies, your man can help make your delivery easy by keeping you worked out! Only activity that burns more calories than sex is mountain climbing, I’m not sure about you,but sign me up for the pleasurable pain! But what do you do when your partner is tired and you wake up with an itch that needs to be scratched right then? Or how do you exercise foreplay before things get hot and heavy?
Masturbation saves the nation! Masturbating is perfectly fine and can be done regularly, it is however, particularly enjoyable with your partner. It is a healthy form of foreplay and makes for a smoother entrance into Loveland. We almost never know what our bodies will do during pregnancy, but most times our sexual appetite piques especially in happy relationships where the intimate connection was strong before baby arrived. You're still you, so try not to get into the habit of being defined by your bump and allow it to consume you. The bump is temporary, you want what you and your partner have to last forever. Bask in the wonderful things your body is doing and give yourself permission to enjoy being and feeling sexy. Afterall, you are creating life!
Don't feel bad about wanting more sex than normal, I can almost guarantee that your partner will not disagree in the least bit. Feel free to incorporate toys and even lube if necessary to get the party going! Sex is recommended right up until your water breaks! Sometimes it's what breaks your water, so have all the fun you would like. Keep in mind that you'll have to take a 6 week long hiatus, so make it count while you can. It’ll for sure help you and your partner in the long run when penetration is not the healthiest or most responsible choice for a family that doesn't desire Irish twins or an infection!
I understand that these are ideal situations, but the reality is that there are women who find themselves lost in an intimate fog without their sexual drive. Sometimes men feel just as weird and awkward as we do during this time. You're the mother of his child, so it may be a teeny bit difficult for him to see you in a sexual manner. And although that's perfectly understandable, it’s not healthy for you all to be quiet about it. Don't shut each other out. Talk to one another, keep the lines of communication wide open and let him know that it's ok, and yours and his precious baby are just fine. If penetration is a bit of a task, say that, or else he won't know. The reality of the situation is, you will still need and want to be touched and cuddled, this is intimacy.
If pregnancy has done nothing for me, it has made me vocally bold in my requests. I’ve gotten in the habit of literally saying, “I want your attention. Love on me, hug me, kiss me, come touch me.” It may seem like a lot and that type of vulnerability may not come easy. But as much as we wish they were, men are not mind readers and if we don't tell them our desires they are simply left to guess. Maintaining that intimacy is a two person task, it's a way for couples to go through this together and assure each other that neither is alone in this as well affirming that even though there's a baby coming, you'll always be my first baby and I still want you to know that you're important to me and I desire you.
One thing I noticed that has helped us is, we kept it normal and didn't switch up the routine. There hasn't been a time where either of us have been like “I'm a mom/dad now , I can't do this or that.” We spoiled each other, frequently dated,and stayed up laughing all night before there ever was a baby in my stomach. So we kept that energy. He still compliments and flirts with me, tells me how fine I am, how he knows my snapback will be epic and looks forward to me getting back in bad bitch mode. “Somebody's fine ass mama” is how he addresses me. BUT I’m the same way with him. I still dance for and with him, we still cuddle, I compliment him on the regular and I try to remain just as...raunchy as I was beforehand. Before we became parents, I wore little to nothing when we were alone, that too has remained. The truth is lingerie, lace and little pieces with the nipple or the vagina cut out make for a fun evening, but they also make me feel wanted!
Make the effort girls! Keep your hair and nails done, I'm telling you a fresh eyebrow and cat wax does wonders for self esteem! Oh and lashes! If you know me, you know that when my hair and lashes are done, I feel like a sex kitten and no one can tell me different! My man knows that when the hair is done, give me a little time to like it all the way and then you can tug on it so we get our money's worth. Soft/ sexy music, candles and affirmations are also a great way to keep the love flowing. Look in the mirror while your partner's hands are around your body and tell yourself “Damn I look good.” He’ll confirm it for you by not being able to take his hands off you. Get up and throw on your cute clothes, curl that hair and spray on some of that expensive stuff you asked your man for when y'all were playing Private Dancer.
Your man should man-scape too, keep his face lined up nicely and a fresh haircut, also making it a priority to smell good! Women love when our man smells good, it makes us want to touch and be touched. These things help us get in the mood, don't be afraid to touch him or take his hands and place them where you want them to go. Let me tell you The Isley Brothers, a good smelling candle, and a cute outfit that leaves little to the imagination will have you ready to practice baby making all over again.
Now, for my ladies who have completely checked out , I wanted to provide some tips and comfort. Although this hasn't been my experience I do understand that this is completely normal and I felt it was important to let you all know that there’s nothing wrong with you. All hope isn't lost and the spark can be restored if you want to try. A few of you came to me privately expressing lack of interest in sex or even being touched. Detachment from your relationship can happen if you allow it.
As women, we tend to get so caught up in our own world especially once children are involved that we tend to not see ourselves in the light of ‘wife, girlfriend, partner etc.’ anymore. We only see mom, employee, lunch lady, nose wiper, etc. Lots of women go through periods where they have felt unwanted or like it's unnecessary to continue any duty aside from the well being of the children. Please ladies if you remember nothing else that I've told you, please please please talk this over with your partner! It would seem like they aren't interested and that can completely not be the case and vice versa, but you won't know until you articulate your very real feelings.
Furthermore, speak to your doctor about the way you're feeling. You could be experiencing some sort of depression or otherwise. The hormones in your body are constantly changing every single day and that in itself can be exhausting to the brain and the body,a womans experiences during pregnancy can affect her physical and emotional state, and by extension, her libido. It's imperative that you take the steps to ensure comfort in every stage of this process. Verywellfamily.com says, “When it comes to sex drive, the sudden surge of progesterone and estrogen during the first trimester can have a contradictory effect. The sensory overstimulation may leave you feeling edgy rather than energized. Morning sickness and fatigue are also common—and neither of these will enhance sexual desire.2
To make matters worse, you may experience feelings of guilt if faced with a loss of libido. You may suddenly feel the pressure to have sex before your body changes even more, which can fuel feelings of self-doubt and also leave you feeling as if you've let your partner down.”
All very true facts. I went through a brief period going into my third trimester where intercourse made me bleed a little too heavy for my liking. As a first time mom this terrified me, and I made three mistakes. 1. Not calling my doctor right away. 2. Self diagnosing from the internet. 3. Failing to discuss my sudden disinterest in intercourse with my partner. I just completely stopped what we had going on and it alarmed him, naturally.
I felt guilty all around but I more so felt like my son was at risk, so I wasn't as concerned with how it affected anyone else. That was wrong of me. I made a conscious effort to speak to my doctor and have her check me out at my next visit. She advised us to relax for 7 days to make sure the bleeding wasn't harmful and once we recognized that it wasn't and we were cleared , we talked it out, acknowledged the issue and apologized for how it was handled. We made it our business to plan what we would do in the event that something like that happened again before he’s born. It was so simple, but in the moment my mind was all over the place and I felt bad for excluding him from a situation that could have easily been solved.
Positive response to the decrease of libido depends solely on honesty, self-acceptance, acknowledgement and communication. Your partner will provide solace to the effects hormones have on your body if you're open about what you're feeling and experiencing, both physically and emotionally. When you don't feel sexy, tell your partner and try not to shut out what they think might be helpful. Remember they knew you before the baby did and you guys created the ambiance before, so they may be onto something. If they're willing to try, you would want to be just as open.
I hope this encourages all of you to make it nasty and keep it that way! I welcome all the beautiful babies that will be made from this piece. Auntie Storie luh the kids.